Good thing no one reads this so I have no one to disappoint!
it has been almost four whole months since I last wrote in this blog and that is awful, because I have a lot of things I went through in terms of fertility! every time I came upon an obstacle I though "this could be a really good entry. I bet people would want to read about this." But then my mind was so consumed with it I never had time to stop and write it down! I blame husbone for always being on the computer and also my ipad for shattering into a million pieces. Shame on them.
Lets do a quick 4 month recap shall we?
Last season on Shuman's cant make a baby:
I thought everything was faaabulous. I got my insurance kicked into gear and I made an appointment with my OB as a formality, a little "pre-conception check up" they call it. Well bad news bears, they called a week later and told me my HPV has struck again and I had "abnormal cells" on my cervix. Burst into tears on the phone with the nurse in my office at work. my OBs nurse Jan (who was my nurse all through my second bablets pregnancy) is very sweet. She kept saying "I know this isn't what you wanted to hear today" and it really wasn't. I wanted to hear "Whoa looks like you're already pregnant!!" that would have been great. So I have abnormal cells fabulous. Need to have a biopsy of my cervix again. fab. Been here, know how this ends. World=shambles. I will need another LEEP.
I got pregnant right after my first LEEP so part of my hopes were high, but I lost that baby so they never really got too out of hand. I counted the months in my head and said "Great I will need to wait until July to even TRY to get pregnant! seems like an ETERNITY. I was so mad at the world. I considered skipping the biopsy and saying eff it I am going to ignore this "pre-cancer" and just get pregnant. I will deal with my cervix after. We will have a good long chat, I will ask Dr. McNeal to pull it out during the C-section so I can B slap it around a bit until it comes to its senses. But I went because husbone would have killed me DEAD if I didn't.
So I go, I have my legs in the stirrups and McNeal is digging around down there (arg!) and she says happily (and muffled as she's all up in my business) Oh this looks not bad at all! its probably not even dysplasia! It will probably come back as just a change in the cells this is great Ma'Dear (In her cute Dr McNealy way) So I say Ohh good does that mean I can keep trying to have a baby?! I don't see why not she says!
GREAT OH HAPPY DAY! SKIP EVERYWHERE HUG THE TREES AND PAY FOR THE GUY BEHIND ME STARBUCKS ORDER DAY!
Praise baby Jesus I said. Well someone up there must have been like, only tiny Jesus? what about big Jesus? because a week later Jan called me and said "Ah! no just kidding its totally dysplasia, you are going to need to come in for a LEEP so we can remove part of your precious Cervix and strip away that precious lining that babies eggs are supposed to burrow into." (Note: her words may have been slightly different).
Cried again.
Went home from work.
Again.
Got a carton of ice cream and hid under my covers and cried. Made the mistake of posting "Life is giving me the finger" on Facebook and my Husbands cousin (WHO IS PREGNANT) said "Life isn't giving you the finger, its just saying now is not the right time". No life is most def giving me a finger, this has nothing to do with trying to make a baby.
This is my reproductive organs in FAILURE MODE.
Crisis.
To top it off I got called in for a consult for the LEEP and two days before both of my Grandparents died in their home in not the best circumstance so I was overly emotional and weepey and straight up broke down while signing the consent forms for the surgery.
But alas I got the stupid LEEP. Husband went with. It was over fast I got some delish drugs and a day or two off of work (hurray!)
Dr McNeal keeps saying LEEPS have nothing to do with fertility. Apples and Oranges she says. I don't believe her. Google says otherwise and we all know how much smarter and well versed in the inner workings of the reproductive systems physiology (I look Anatomy and Physiology for my nursing major!) us common women that have fertility issues that 1/3 of couples have that also happen to require LEEP procedures are. (did you follow that?)
Well clearly that is the stem of our problem! its as if a group of women get together that all wear strapless bras and 1/3 of them have fertility issues and they decide strapless bras are the issue (instead of the fact that infertility is just surprisingly common) But contrary to how it seems after that rant I really do believe my LEEP(S) is what's holding us back.
There is lots more to update, but I will spread it out a bit so as to not have a one million scrolls post.
On the end note for this post, I have become addicted to reading infertility blogs/Twin blogs because I am obsessed with that moment when hope is lost but positive pregnancy tests prevail!
My second favorite blog I have ever read is this one, I am addicted, and this is their video of reading their pregnancy test. It still makes me cry.
http://vimeo.com/7816787
I love their blog because they are funny, and they write well and sound educated and with it and witty and write about relevant stuff. I have never met Kate nor Benjamin, but I really feel like I have. I am happy she got her positive. She's so genuinely happy and its a good natured happy I am naturally overwhelmingly happy for her.
My favorite blog of all time though is this one:
http://infertilitystruggles.blogspot.com/
Because Jamie and her family overcame such incredible odds and they got a happy ending when I was sure (but hoping desperately I was wrong) they wouldn't. She is very down to earth, a little faith strong for me to relate totally but very positive and grateful. Dont get me wrong I am religious and I believe in God, I just don't believe he has as direct of a hand in our lives as some people do. I more think he's there to watch over us and guide us. To each his own obviously!
But anyway, I will post again soon about what came next in our journey soon!
