So I lied, I did not blog again before I tested.
I know I am horrible and I have left my invisible audience in such suspense.
bdududududududududududududududud
I am not pregnant this month!
Sadly/Happily my mom friend that was trying to conceive again got her positive pregnancy test this month so I am out in the desert of difficulty conceiving alone. Someone come get me please.
My mom friend told me she started trying this new herb the month she got pregnant and she thinks its what helped her.
Its called Vitex Berry and she got it at whole foods from the brand Gaia. Well I went to whole foods and they were out of capsules so I bought the drops. I am here to tell you do NOT BUY THE DROPS! You need 30-60 drops 3-4 times a day and there are only 60 servings of 30 drops per bottle.
I tried it for a few days but the drops are disgustingly unbearable so I ordered the capsules online (they were cheaper than at whole foods- plus free shipping.)
So I am trying that now. I have heard good results but honestly I am not getting my hopes up too high because I honestly think she got pregnant this month because its her second month of trying, and it has always taken me three months of doin' it to get er' done. Only in this case, its been about 40 months and nothing.
Also I want to add Derrick chose not to continue with the Clomid, because his sperm count was not affected and we had to pay TOTALLY OUT OF POCKET. And obviously I chose not to continue with Clomid either, as I had just about the worst ever mood swings. I was so on edge and frustrated and emotional it was truly awful. I lost my temper easily with my children and the first time I threw a remote because my youngest didn't want to pick up the apple he threw on the ground I knew there was no way I would take it again. ever.
less dramatic side effect was that my face broke out something terrible. So yes, I want a baby. But I also want to enjoy my life and love my children and husband. So I will have to find another way.
I did get a little gem at whole foods though that I have always threatened D I would get, and that is Horney Goat Weed. Love it. I got the one that is also the Gaia brand and it has done wonders. D says its bizarre to him how often he wants to baby dance so I am one happy customer.
I also am back on the ovulation tests because it drove me nuts last cycle that I didn't know for sure if I have ovulated and then I was freaking that I ovulated later than I thought and we had tapered off on the sex and I missed it. So I learned my lesson, I always have to know exactly when I ovulated, and I need a P stick to tell me for sure.
Ovulation tests: Keeping Kate sane since she stopped avoiding getting pregnant.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Heat Wave!
So its a bagillion degrees in Arizona. Zero exaggeration. And of course this is the time our AC decides to call it quits. And of course I just started round one of Clomid so I am having emotional mood swings and night sweats like none other!! Not a good combo over here, thankfully my man brought home a portable AC unit until the part that was ordered to fix our AC comes in.
I am still here in the dead middle of my two week wait and I have to say I officially hate myself for not using ovulation prediction tests this go around because I don't even know if I ovulated let alone when! Its driving me nuts!
I don't want to use of my precious last three pregnancy tests ridiculously early so I am trying to hold out until like a week past when I will be due for the monthly. So hard.
On a lighter note I will be watching a 6 month old baby girl for the next four days and I am soooo excited! Should curb my baby fever for a bit eh?!
I will make myself a promise that the next time I blog will be when I take the pregnancy test, so whenever I get around to blogging I will get the reward of taking a test!!
Wish me luck!!
I am still here in the dead middle of my two week wait and I have to say I officially hate myself for not using ovulation prediction tests this go around because I don't even know if I ovulated let alone when! Its driving me nuts!
I don't want to use of my precious last three pregnancy tests ridiculously early so I am trying to hold out until like a week past when I will be due for the monthly. So hard.
On a lighter note I will be watching a 6 month old baby girl for the next four days and I am soooo excited! Should curb my baby fever for a bit eh?!
I will make myself a promise that the next time I blog will be when I take the pregnancy test, so whenever I get around to blogging I will get the reward of taking a test!!
Wish me luck!!
Friday, June 28, 2013
Clomid Clomid Clomid
Maybe if I say it three times, it will give me three babies.
And before you even start yes I know there are increased risk with triples and no one should ever wish to have triplets ever as they are bound to be born premature and with developmental issues and so forth and one or possibly all babies might die.
I'm just saying I've seen it come out as a happy ending plenty of times.
Triplets would be cool.
Twins would be cool too.
I have a mommy friend that is trying to conceive #2 right now (we are cycle twins!) and I was telling her how hubster is on Clomid and she told me she had trouble ovulating and couldn't get pregnant until her first round of clomid and then BAM! First cycle she got Ben. YOU SHOULD TRY IT! So I said heck sure why not! and then she goes, oh well there is one thing; it increases your likelihood of multiples, don't know if that's a deal breaker.
Deal Breaker?!
Excuse me Howie Mandel where the heck is that button I press?!
So Yeah, I'm on the Clomid train too. Now they say your chances of getting pregnant with twins on Clomid is only 10%. Well I took statistics in college. Did you know you that 1 in 10 chance includes data from the women who were not successful conceiving on Clomid? Think about that. They are telling you the likelihood that you will conceive triplets, but first you have to conceive at all and some women don't!
The rate is actually higher than 10% if you are lucky enough to conceive on Clomid.
I was on this forum when someone asked if anyone else had conceived multiples on clomid and the majority of the answers were "Clomid didn't work for me" or "Im pregnant with twins from Clomid and it was a TOTAL shock! twins don't run in our family!"
You mess with your hormones, produce super eggs and more than one you are bound to get multiples is all I am saying.
But yes, Mama friend had a singleton so it is possible also!
However, since Husband is on Clomid too, do you think that doubles our chances?! That would be great ;D
Husband and I are DYING for twins. We would really like to have both pregnancies done at once so that I do not have to cut open my uterus two more times and have all of that scar tissue building up on there. Hello 2 for 1!
Also as mush as I am dying to be pregnant right now, pregnancy is difficult for me. I am sick 24-7 right away. And not in that "I felt a little nauseas this morning" or even "I felt sick all day!" or even "I threw up yesterday!" its I threw up every minute of every day for the past week until I threw up nasty yellow throat burning bile and then I had to go to the hospital because I threw up all my liquids and now my uterus is trying to contract on me. (back! back I say!) So to be honest as much as I love the little kicks and the cute belly and the attention and care people give you while you have a baby on board, I am okay doing it all in one shot.
Plus I will have an incompetent cervix anyway and will probably need to have my cervix sewed up and be on bed rest anyway.
Thanks again LEEPs!
So anyway I was texting my Best Fran Kits and I was telling her that Holy God in Heaven Above I must be ovulating 12 eggs right now, and I am sure 8 of them are going to implant and so we need Octuplet names that all start with the letter 'B'
Here is what face book has come up with:
Brett, Brent, Blair, Bryden, Bryce, Beyonce, Boomer and Buck
Bentley, Brandon, Bree, Brooklyn, Bradley, Brian, Bailey, and Blake.
B-1,B-2, B-3, B-4, B-5, B-6, B-7, B-8 (Har Har)
Bradley, Benjiman, Bradford, Bentley, Bocephus, Billy Jack, Bo Diddley, Bo
Derrick and I already have our two baby names picked out: Brinley and/or Benjamin.
But then with the Clomid, what if there is two? What if they are both boys or both girls?
SO we like Brinley and Benjamin, but I want Blair, Bree, Bailey Blayne, Brent and Brian too. And or less girl or Boy names as applicable.
Is it terrible that if I do have eight I do not want to give any of them middle names?
Also people don't worry about us; Derrick gets free tuition for his dependents because he is an ASU employee. Any State College in Arizona! But obviously they will all attend ASU.
Also no I do not seriously think I ovulated 12 eggs. And even if I did I doubt 8 would fertilize. And even if they did I doubt all 8 would implant. and If they did they would all be my children. Because like Monica says on friends:
So I will let you know soon if I am feeling like I could be pregnant. Should know in about a week and a half!
Then it will be a few weeks before I tell you how many B names we will need!
Stay tuned!
And before you even start yes I know there are increased risk with triples and no one should ever wish to have triplets ever as they are bound to be born premature and with developmental issues and so forth and one or possibly all babies might die.
I'm just saying I've seen it come out as a happy ending plenty of times.
Triplets would be cool.
Twins would be cool too.
I have a mommy friend that is trying to conceive #2 right now (we are cycle twins!) and I was telling her how hubster is on Clomid and she told me she had trouble ovulating and couldn't get pregnant until her first round of clomid and then BAM! First cycle she got Ben. YOU SHOULD TRY IT! So I said heck sure why not! and then she goes, oh well there is one thing; it increases your likelihood of multiples, don't know if that's a deal breaker.
Deal Breaker?!
Excuse me Howie Mandel where the heck is that button I press?!
So Yeah, I'm on the Clomid train too. Now they say your chances of getting pregnant with twins on Clomid is only 10%. Well I took statistics in college. Did you know you that 1 in 10 chance includes data from the women who were not successful conceiving on Clomid? Think about that. They are telling you the likelihood that you will conceive triplets, but first you have to conceive at all and some women don't!
The rate is actually higher than 10% if you are lucky enough to conceive on Clomid.
I was on this forum when someone asked if anyone else had conceived multiples on clomid and the majority of the answers were "Clomid didn't work for me" or "Im pregnant with twins from Clomid and it was a TOTAL shock! twins don't run in our family!"
You mess with your hormones, produce super eggs and more than one you are bound to get multiples is all I am saying.
But yes, Mama friend had a singleton so it is possible also!
However, since Husband is on Clomid too, do you think that doubles our chances?! That would be great ;D
Husband and I are DYING for twins. We would really like to have both pregnancies done at once so that I do not have to cut open my uterus two more times and have all of that scar tissue building up on there. Hello 2 for 1!
Also as mush as I am dying to be pregnant right now, pregnancy is difficult for me. I am sick 24-7 right away. And not in that "I felt a little nauseas this morning" or even "I felt sick all day!" or even "I threw up yesterday!" its I threw up every minute of every day for the past week until I threw up nasty yellow throat burning bile and then I had to go to the hospital because I threw up all my liquids and now my uterus is trying to contract on me. (back! back I say!) So to be honest as much as I love the little kicks and the cute belly and the attention and care people give you while you have a baby on board, I am okay doing it all in one shot.
Plus I will have an incompetent cervix anyway and will probably need to have my cervix sewed up and be on bed rest anyway.
Thanks again LEEPs!
So anyway I was texting my Best Fran Kits and I was telling her that Holy God in Heaven Above I must be ovulating 12 eggs right now, and I am sure 8 of them are going to implant and so we need Octuplet names that all start with the letter 'B'
Here is what face book has come up with:
Brett, Brent, Blair, Bryden, Bryce, Beyonce, Boomer and Buck
Bentley, Brandon, Bree, Brooklyn, Bradley, Brian, Bailey, and Blake.
B-1,B-2, B-3, B-4, B-5, B-6, B-7, B-8 (Har Har)
Bradley, Benjiman, Bradford, Bentley, Bocephus, Billy Jack, Bo Diddley, Bo
Derrick and I already have our two baby names picked out: Brinley and/or Benjamin.
But then with the Clomid, what if there is two? What if they are both boys or both girls?
SO we like Brinley and Benjamin, but I want Blair, Bree, Bailey Blayne, Brent and Brian too. And or less girl or Boy names as applicable.
Is it terrible that if I do have eight I do not want to give any of them middle names?
Also people don't worry about us; Derrick gets free tuition for his dependents because he is an ASU employee. Any State College in Arizona! But obviously they will all attend ASU.
Also no I do not seriously think I ovulated 12 eggs. And even if I did I doubt 8 would fertilize. And even if they did I doubt all 8 would implant. and If they did they would all be my children. Because like Monica says on friends:
" I don't care if it's two babies. I don't care if it's three babies! I don't care if the entire cast of Eight is Enough comes out of there! We are taking them home, because they are our children!"
Then it will be a few weeks before I tell you how many B names we will need!
Stay tuned!
Friday, June 21, 2013
D has to go in a cup. No the other kind of go. The awkward one.
So I had my LEEP. And as I said before I was convinced that was what was wrong, because I have two children already and it was easy. Oh how I hated younger me for getting pregnant so easy. What a bitch.
But at the same time there was another new variable in the mix. Husbone did not have any children save the one we lost.
Perhaps his little soldiers were in a war zone down there and they just weren't strong enough to storm the beach?
Maybe his guys were lazy and didn't even move an inch?
Maybe there was only like one or two guys down there and they were marooned on an island and didn't think to even look for the egg because they were preparing for the impending apocalypse!
So I says to my Huz, Deary I think you should get...the semen analysis.
HUUUH!
(I gasped for him for dramatic effect)
Surprisingly he was cool with it. So I find him a urologist (which is the way the internet told me to get an analysis done) on the bluecross blue shield website. I dialed the number for him, and handed him the phone. Because I have to guide Hub through everything hold his hand like a little baby man. (love him!) GASPO! They take a lunch hour?! but hubs called back on his own an hour later and set up his own appointment!
So Husband is asking me a million questions about his appointment (Because I will know exactly how it is) I do my best to give him the most likely scenarios. He goes for blood work and they order the spermies to be checked thoroughly.
He goes one Monday while I am at work and I text him long after it should be over (Didn't want to risk interrupting him!) and say:
K: how was it?
D: Terrible.
K: In general or was there some sort of incident?!
D: THEY HAD NO MATERIAL
How strange is that?! They want a man to spunk in a cup and they give him NOTHING to work with? he said it was a big empty white room with nothing in it, he even checked all the drawers! How awkward is that. This sterile lab facility is not sexy to begin with and they expect him to just climax right there. Well some how I am amazed HUSBAND DID IT. I do not think I could have in his position. But then maybe that's because I don't know how easy it is to go. It could be that you just have to picture boobies in your head and that's all it takes.
So to wrap up a long story Husband had low testosterone, BUT THATS IT.
Of course I google what that means for fertility and I see that testosterone replacement therapy completely wipes out sperm count for six months while you are taking it then builds it back up.
WELL SHIT.
ANOTHER SIX EFFING MONTHS BEFORE WE CAN EVEN TRY.
I am livid. Until D sees his doc who gives his a px for Clomid. He says
I know you're trying to make a baby so this is a hormone that will block your estrogen and produce a negative feedback which will ultimately make you produce more testosterone. So D was prescribed 25 mg of Clomid daily, or 50 mg every other, which ever is easiest.
Clomid my friends is wonderful for Men. Increased D's drive a LOT. we are now up to the requirements to make a baby I believe and I even threw out my ovulation prediction tests because we didn't need them, didn't matter when I ovulated, there would be sperm there.
Okay to be real I ran out, I didn't throw them out. If I still had some I would be checking just to be sure...
So that's Man side for now. Man is being great about it too. Man wants baby. I am watching this 1 1/2 year old girl on Saturdays and she is in LOVE with D. Wont leave his side and cries if he has to put her down. So D says to me, "I want a little girl. I want a little girl that will love me like that."
Love him.
EDIT: Our insurance doesn't cover the office visit to the urologist!! Is that not BOGUS?!?!?! I mean yes we had to pay for the script out of pocket, but the doctor visit?! Because Infertility isn't covered by our insurance?! He had low testosterone AND THATS IT! He's not even infertile! What if he had gone in and said,
If they did I would B slap them!
But at the same time there was another new variable in the mix. Husbone did not have any children save the one we lost.
Perhaps his little soldiers were in a war zone down there and they just weren't strong enough to storm the beach?
Maybe his guys were lazy and didn't even move an inch?
Maybe there was only like one or two guys down there and they were marooned on an island and didn't think to even look for the egg because they were preparing for the impending apocalypse!
So I says to my Huz, Deary I think you should get...the semen analysis.
HUUUH!
(I gasped for him for dramatic effect)
Surprisingly he was cool with it. So I find him a urologist (which is the way the internet told me to get an analysis done) on the bluecross blue shield website. I dialed the number for him, and handed him the phone. Because I have to guide Hub through everything hold his hand like a little baby man. (love him!) GASPO! They take a lunch hour?! but hubs called back on his own an hour later and set up his own appointment!
So Husband is asking me a million questions about his appointment (Because I will know exactly how it is) I do my best to give him the most likely scenarios. He goes for blood work and they order the spermies to be checked thoroughly.
He goes one Monday while I am at work and I text him long after it should be over (Didn't want to risk interrupting him!) and say:
K: how was it?
D: Terrible.
K: In general or was there some sort of incident?!
D: THEY HAD NO MATERIAL
How strange is that?! They want a man to spunk in a cup and they give him NOTHING to work with? he said it was a big empty white room with nothing in it, he even checked all the drawers! How awkward is that. This sterile lab facility is not sexy to begin with and they expect him to just climax right there. Well some how I am amazed HUSBAND DID IT. I do not think I could have in his position. But then maybe that's because I don't know how easy it is to go. It could be that you just have to picture boobies in your head and that's all it takes.
So to wrap up a long story Husband had low testosterone, BUT THATS IT.
Of course I google what that means for fertility and I see that testosterone replacement therapy completely wipes out sperm count for six months while you are taking it then builds it back up.
WELL SHIT.
ANOTHER SIX EFFING MONTHS BEFORE WE CAN EVEN TRY.
I am livid. Until D sees his doc who gives his a px for Clomid. He says
I know you're trying to make a baby so this is a hormone that will block your estrogen and produce a negative feedback which will ultimately make you produce more testosterone. So D was prescribed 25 mg of Clomid daily, or 50 mg every other, which ever is easiest.
Clomid my friends is wonderful for Men. Increased D's drive a LOT. we are now up to the requirements to make a baby I believe and I even threw out my ovulation prediction tests because we didn't need them, didn't matter when I ovulated, there would be sperm there.
Okay to be real I ran out, I didn't throw them out. If I still had some I would be checking just to be sure...
So that's Man side for now. Man is being great about it too. Man wants baby. I am watching this 1 1/2 year old girl on Saturdays and she is in LOVE with D. Wont leave his side and cries if he has to put her down. So D says to me, "I want a little girl. I want a little girl that will love me like that."
Love him.
EDIT: Our insurance doesn't cover the office visit to the urologist!! Is that not BOGUS?!?!?! I mean yes we had to pay for the script out of pocket, but the doctor visit?! Because Infertility isn't covered by our insurance?! He had low testosterone AND THATS IT! He's not even infertile! What if he had gone in and said,
"Doc My libido is crap and I am not as active as I used to be and I feel very tired all the time."Would insurance have said "We do not cover normal things like this because you might also possibly benefit in the conception area."
If they did I would B slap them!
Friday, June 14, 2013
Full time baby maker
Well I'm prepping to be so.
I quit my Job.
sort of.
I resigned my position with my work as a Family Specialist. It was crazy stressful. I was constantly going into work on Saturdays to either recruit foster families, catch up on paperwork, attend mandatory SATURDAY trainings or go to work parties (the parties were the hardest ;D ) I was constantly behind on my work and I felt like at any moment they were going to say YOU ARE AWFUL and I was trying so so hard.
I also had a horrible foster family tell me I was a lying when I said my job was to be there to support the foster children and I have no compassion blah blah blah so I was like you knooooow, I work very hard and I have compassion for just about EVERYONE. I'm liberal like that! And I love these kids I do. I had to tell myself I was a good person.
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I work in a job where I need to tell myself I have compassion and I am a good person? Uhhhh this isn't working out. I don't want to be inducted into the sainthood but I want to do work that people can recognize is helping them, or helping someone. They don't have to tell me, but don't tell me I am not doing that, that just don't work for me.
So I gave my notice. And I left and people were actually sad. I stayed on as what's called a respite provider though, I watch foster kids in my house (Yay legit work from home!) through my former foster care and adoption agency. So I left, but I didn't.
I also work occasionally in our Tucson office doing data entry two days a week. I get paid for the commute too and I get to ride in the passenger seat of our QA lady's nice infinity.
So I made the right choice. Because as some of my well-meaning-but-I could-so-scream-at-your-perfect-24-year-old-never-tried-to-have-a-baby-in-your-life-perfect-hips-for-it-though-face coworker said "Just stop stressing and it will happen!"
Great. Let me get right on that. If I stop stressing maybe my husbands testosterone will magically increase. Maybe the lining in my uterus will magically fatten right up.
And maybe if I relax reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally hard, I wont even have to have sex at all right? Because as soon as you stop trying you will get pregnant! So there you have it folks! you actually have to STOP having sex if you want to get pregnant!
You heard it herefirst! You've heard it from everyone I bet.
But I am doing my best to relax and go with the flow. No I will not stop trying, because that is ridiculous. If you wanted to win a radio contest and you had to be caller 10 would you stop calling? Like okay if I really want to win those tickets, I need to stop calling them and they will call me. Uh no! not going to happen!!
So to end I will share this list of things people say to infertile people from the perspective of if you were saying it to a paraplegic. Makes you think.
Don't say these things people. Just don't. Just say "I don't know what you're going through (unless you do) But it must be a bitch! I hope you get pregnant soon and also I love you!:
Unless you know, I like barely know you. Then its weird that you are confessing your love to me and I will doubt the sincerity because I will feel like you just blurted that out because I am barren and you feel awkward talking about it.
I quit my Job.
sort of.
I resigned my position with my work as a Family Specialist. It was crazy stressful. I was constantly going into work on Saturdays to either recruit foster families, catch up on paperwork, attend mandatory SATURDAY trainings or go to work parties (the parties were the hardest ;D ) I was constantly behind on my work and I felt like at any moment they were going to say YOU ARE AWFUL and I was trying so so hard.
I also had a horrible foster family tell me I was a lying when I said my job was to be there to support the foster children and I have no compassion blah blah blah so I was like you knooooow, I work very hard and I have compassion for just about EVERYONE. I'm liberal like that! And I love these kids I do. I had to tell myself I was a good person.
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I work in a job where I need to tell myself I have compassion and I am a good person? Uhhhh this isn't working out. I don't want to be inducted into the sainthood but I want to do work that people can recognize is helping them, or helping someone. They don't have to tell me, but don't tell me I am not doing that, that just don't work for me.
So I gave my notice. And I left and people were actually sad. I stayed on as what's called a respite provider though, I watch foster kids in my house (Yay legit work from home!) through my former foster care and adoption agency. So I left, but I didn't.
I also work occasionally in our Tucson office doing data entry two days a week. I get paid for the commute too and I get to ride in the passenger seat of our QA lady's nice infinity.
So I made the right choice. Because as some of my well-meaning-but-I could-so-scream-at-your-perfect-24-year-old-never-tried-to-have-a-baby-in-your-life-perfect-hips-for-it-though-face coworker said "Just stop stressing and it will happen!"
Great. Let me get right on that. If I stop stressing maybe my husbands testosterone will magically increase. Maybe the lining in my uterus will magically fatten right up.
And maybe if I relax reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally hard, I wont even have to have sex at all right? Because as soon as you stop trying you will get pregnant! So there you have it folks! you actually have to STOP having sex if you want to get pregnant!
You heard it here
But I am doing my best to relax and go with the flow. No I will not stop trying, because that is ridiculous. If you wanted to win a radio contest and you had to be caller 10 would you stop calling? Like okay if I really want to win those tickets, I need to stop calling them and they will call me. Uh no! not going to happen!!
So to end I will share this list of things people say to infertile people from the perspective of if you were saying it to a paraplegic. Makes you think.
As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you'll be able to walk again!
You can't use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn't have to walk anywhere!
My cousin was paralyzed but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.
I guess God just didn't mean for you to be able to walk.
Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.
Sorry, we don't cover treatment for paraplegia, because it's not a life-threatening illness.
So... when are you going to start walking?
Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk everywhere I go!
You're just trying too hard. Relax and you'll be able to walk.
You're so lucky... think of the money you save on shoes.
I hope you don't try those anti-paralyzation drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.
I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I'd have a permanent limp, but I'm 100% healed.
If you just lose weight your legs will work again.
If you would just have more sex, you could walk!
You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you'll walk.
Here, touch my legs for good luck, then you'll walk!
Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!
Don't say these things people. Just don't. Just say "I don't know what you're going through (unless you do) But it must be a bitch! I hope you get pregnant soon and also I love you!:
Unless you know, I like barely know you. Then its weird that you are confessing your love to me and I will doubt the sincerity because I will feel like you just blurted that out because I am barren and you feel awkward talking about it.
Friday, April 26, 2013
I Am The Worst Blogger Ever.
Good thing no one reads this so I have no one to disappoint!
it has been almost four whole months since I last wrote in this blog and that is awful, because I have a lot of things I went through in terms of fertility! every time I came upon an obstacle I though "this could be a really good entry. I bet people would want to read about this." But then my mind was so consumed with it I never had time to stop and write it down! I blame husbone for always being on the computer and also my ipad for shattering into a million pieces. Shame on them.
Lets do a quick 4 month recap shall we?
Last season on Shuman's cant make a baby:
I thought everything was faaabulous. I got my insurance kicked into gear and I made an appointment with my OB as a formality, a little "pre-conception check up" they call it. Well bad news bears, they called a week later and told me my HPV has struck again and I had "abnormal cells" on my cervix. Burst into tears on the phone with the nurse in my office at work. my OBs nurse Jan (who was my nurse all through my second bablets pregnancy) is very sweet. She kept saying "I know this isn't what you wanted to hear today" and it really wasn't. I wanted to hear "Whoa looks like you're already pregnant!!" that would have been great. So I have abnormal cells fabulous. Need to have a biopsy of my cervix again. fab. Been here, know how this ends. World=shambles. I will need another LEEP.
I got pregnant right after my first LEEP so part of my hopes were high, but I lost that baby so they never really got too out of hand. I counted the months in my head and said "Great I will need to wait until July to even TRY to get pregnant! seems like an ETERNITY. I was so mad at the world. I considered skipping the biopsy and saying eff it I am going to ignore this "pre-cancer" and just get pregnant. I will deal with my cervix after. We will have a good long chat, I will ask Dr. McNeal to pull it out during the C-section so I can B slap it around a bit until it comes to its senses. But I went because husbone would have killed me DEAD if I didn't.
So I go, I have my legs in the stirrups and McNeal is digging around down there (arg!) and she says happily (and muffled as she's all up in my business) Oh this looks not bad at all! its probably not even dysplasia! It will probably come back as just a change in the cells this is great Ma'Dear (In her cute Dr McNealy way) So I say Ohh good does that mean I can keep trying to have a baby?! I don't see why not she says!
GREAT OH HAPPY DAY! SKIP EVERYWHERE HUG THE TREES AND PAY FOR THE GUY BEHIND ME STARBUCKS ORDER DAY!
Praise baby Jesus I said. Well someone up there must have been like, only tiny Jesus? what about big Jesus? because a week later Jan called me and said "Ah! no just kidding its totally dysplasia, you are going to need to come in for a LEEP so we can remove part of your precious Cervix and strip away that precious lining that babies eggs are supposed to burrow into." (Note: her words may have been slightly different).
Cried again.
Went home from work.
Again.
Got a carton of ice cream and hid under my covers and cried. Made the mistake of posting "Life is giving me the finger" on Facebook and my Husbands cousin (WHO IS PREGNANT) said "Life isn't giving you the finger, its just saying now is not the right time". No life is most def giving me a finger, this has nothing to do with trying to make a baby.
This is my reproductive organs in FAILURE MODE.
Crisis.
To top it off I got called in for a consult for the LEEP and two days before both of my Grandparents died in their home in not the best circumstance so I was overly emotional and weepey and straight up broke down while signing the consent forms for the surgery.
But alas I got the stupid LEEP. Husband went with. It was over fast I got some delish drugs and a day or two off of work (hurray!)
Dr McNeal keeps saying LEEPS have nothing to do with fertility. Apples and Oranges she says. I don't believe her. Google says otherwise and we all know how much smarter and well versed in the inner workings of the reproductive systems physiology (I look Anatomy and Physiology for my nursing major!) us common women that have fertility issues that 1/3 of couples have that also happen to require LEEP procedures are. (did you follow that?)
Well clearly that is the stem of our problem! its as if a group of women get together that all wear strapless bras and 1/3 of them have fertility issues and they decide strapless bras are the issue (instead of the fact that infertility is just surprisingly common) But contrary to how it seems after that rant I really do believe my LEEP(S) is what's holding us back.
There is lots more to update, but I will spread it out a bit so as to not have a one million scrolls post.
On the end note for this post, I have become addicted to reading infertility blogs/Twin blogs because I am obsessed with that moment when hope is lost but positive pregnancy tests prevail!
My second favorite blog I have ever read is this one, I am addicted, and this is their video of reading their pregnancy test. It still makes me cry.
http://vimeo.com/7816787
I love their blog because they are funny, and they write well and sound educated and with it and witty and write about relevant stuff. I have never met Kate nor Benjamin, but I really feel like I have. I am happy she got her positive. She's so genuinely happy and its a good natured happy I am naturally overwhelmingly happy for her.
My favorite blog of all time though is this one:
http://infertilitystruggles.blogspot.com/
Because Jamie and her family overcame such incredible odds and they got a happy ending when I was sure (but hoping desperately I was wrong) they wouldn't. She is very down to earth, a little faith strong for me to relate totally but very positive and grateful. Dont get me wrong I am religious and I believe in God, I just don't believe he has as direct of a hand in our lives as some people do. I more think he's there to watch over us and guide us. To each his own obviously!
But anyway, I will post again soon about what came next in our journey soon!
it has been almost four whole months since I last wrote in this blog and that is awful, because I have a lot of things I went through in terms of fertility! every time I came upon an obstacle I though "this could be a really good entry. I bet people would want to read about this." But then my mind was so consumed with it I never had time to stop and write it down! I blame husbone for always being on the computer and also my ipad for shattering into a million pieces. Shame on them.
Lets do a quick 4 month recap shall we?
Last season on Shuman's cant make a baby:
I thought everything was faaabulous. I got my insurance kicked into gear and I made an appointment with my OB as a formality, a little "pre-conception check up" they call it. Well bad news bears, they called a week later and told me my HPV has struck again and I had "abnormal cells" on my cervix. Burst into tears on the phone with the nurse in my office at work. my OBs nurse Jan (who was my nurse all through my second bablets pregnancy) is very sweet. She kept saying "I know this isn't what you wanted to hear today" and it really wasn't. I wanted to hear "Whoa looks like you're already pregnant!!" that would have been great. So I have abnormal cells fabulous. Need to have a biopsy of my cervix again. fab. Been here, know how this ends. World=shambles. I will need another LEEP.
I got pregnant right after my first LEEP so part of my hopes were high, but I lost that baby so they never really got too out of hand. I counted the months in my head and said "Great I will need to wait until July to even TRY to get pregnant! seems like an ETERNITY. I was so mad at the world. I considered skipping the biopsy and saying eff it I am going to ignore this "pre-cancer" and just get pregnant. I will deal with my cervix after. We will have a good long chat, I will ask Dr. McNeal to pull it out during the C-section so I can B slap it around a bit until it comes to its senses. But I went because husbone would have killed me DEAD if I didn't.
So I go, I have my legs in the stirrups and McNeal is digging around down there (arg!) and she says happily (and muffled as she's all up in my business) Oh this looks not bad at all! its probably not even dysplasia! It will probably come back as just a change in the cells this is great Ma'Dear (In her cute Dr McNealy way) So I say Ohh good does that mean I can keep trying to have a baby?! I don't see why not she says!
GREAT OH HAPPY DAY! SKIP EVERYWHERE HUG THE TREES AND PAY FOR THE GUY BEHIND ME STARBUCKS ORDER DAY!
Praise baby Jesus I said. Well someone up there must have been like, only tiny Jesus? what about big Jesus? because a week later Jan called me and said "Ah! no just kidding its totally dysplasia, you are going to need to come in for a LEEP so we can remove part of your precious Cervix and strip away that precious lining that babies eggs are supposed to burrow into." (Note: her words may have been slightly different).
Cried again.
Went home from work.
Again.
Got a carton of ice cream and hid under my covers and cried. Made the mistake of posting "Life is giving me the finger" on Facebook and my Husbands cousin (WHO IS PREGNANT) said "Life isn't giving you the finger, its just saying now is not the right time". No life is most def giving me a finger, this has nothing to do with trying to make a baby.
This is my reproductive organs in FAILURE MODE.
Crisis.
To top it off I got called in for a consult for the LEEP and two days before both of my Grandparents died in their home in not the best circumstance so I was overly emotional and weepey and straight up broke down while signing the consent forms for the surgery.
But alas I got the stupid LEEP. Husband went with. It was over fast I got some delish drugs and a day or two off of work (hurray!)
Dr McNeal keeps saying LEEPS have nothing to do with fertility. Apples and Oranges she says. I don't believe her. Google says otherwise and we all know how much smarter and well versed in the inner workings of the reproductive systems physiology (I look Anatomy and Physiology for my nursing major!) us common women that have fertility issues that 1/3 of couples have that also happen to require LEEP procedures are. (did you follow that?)
Well clearly that is the stem of our problem! its as if a group of women get together that all wear strapless bras and 1/3 of them have fertility issues and they decide strapless bras are the issue (instead of the fact that infertility is just surprisingly common) But contrary to how it seems after that rant I really do believe my LEEP(S) is what's holding us back.
There is lots more to update, but I will spread it out a bit so as to not have a one million scrolls post.
On the end note for this post, I have become addicted to reading infertility blogs/Twin blogs because I am obsessed with that moment when hope is lost but positive pregnancy tests prevail!
My second favorite blog I have ever read is this one, I am addicted, and this is their video of reading their pregnancy test. It still makes me cry.
http://vimeo.com/7816787
I love their blog because they are funny, and they write well and sound educated and with it and witty and write about relevant stuff. I have never met Kate nor Benjamin, but I really feel like I have. I am happy she got her positive. She's so genuinely happy and its a good natured happy I am naturally overwhelmingly happy for her.
My favorite blog of all time though is this one:
http://infertilitystruggles.blogspot.com/
Because Jamie and her family overcame such incredible odds and they got a happy ending when I was sure (but hoping desperately I was wrong) they wouldn't. She is very down to earth, a little faith strong for me to relate totally but very positive and grateful. Dont get me wrong I am religious and I believe in God, I just don't believe he has as direct of a hand in our lives as some people do. I more think he's there to watch over us and guide us. To each his own obviously!
But anyway, I will post again soon about what came next in our journey soon!
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Resolution to Increase Fertility
So tacky New Year's resolution time! This year I want to really focus on increasing my fertility which means lowering my BMI. Someone needs to explain that too me though because does increased body fat just stop ovulation? Because that is not an issue for me. Not that if it's not in issue I am going to go fat crazy.
I know the last thing I should talk about on New Years day is the depressing past but moving forward I tend to think of what should be moving forward with us but is stuck in the past. Eldest Baby Shuman.
The thing I have wanted so badly was in my hands, or rather in my uterus. Derrick and I told only a handful of people. It was mostly because we weren't married so we didn't tell the world until we could tell the important people and smooth that over. My Mother was first, she was Overjoyed and it was as simple as that. We were feeling good. We talked about when we should tell Derricks Mom and I was so excited I insisted he call her the same day to tell her.
So he dials her number and makes small talk and then drops "were pregnant" and her response? "oh no." Derricks face continues to drop as he then begins crying. She insisted on coming right over. When I opened the door there she stood eyes puffy and red from crying. We all sat on the couch as she proceeded to tell us that this was not the way and this was "just wrong" and so on. She had the nerve to ask us if we planned is as if she would be angrier if we had. We did plan it but kept it vague and said we weren't not trying.
This was a week after our engagement party. We live in a house Derrick owns, both Arizona State University college graduates (well I was about to graduate in December) we both have stable jobs and insurance and cars we own. He was 25 I was 22. The picture I am painting is one of stability and love no? So I stated just that. Beside the fact that we are adults educated happy stable in love and engaged, I have two children out of wedlock and while it is not ideal I wouldn't trade them for anything. Everything about them is perfect. I told her that my first two pregnancies were not accepted well and it was treated like some sort of misfortunate circumstance instead of a miracle of life. Well not this time. This time I don't care what you feel keep it to yourself and be or I guess at least act happy. You can cry and feel your woes in private.
Maybe that is harsh but I simply don't care. I wanted this baby and she had the nerve to cry about it.
She left a little better and agreed it was not awful. No congratulations but no more tears. So I went about my merry way looking at gap maternity clothes calling my OB to make my first prenatal appointment and telling some of my friends because the excitement was overwhelming. I told my my manager at my summer job and she was surprised I was saying something so soon she was always so afraid something would happen. I kind of looked sideways at her and thought 'well that's you' and shrugged.
The next bit is graffic so be forewarned.
Two days later I was at my first job feeling fab but when I went to the bathroom, there was pink. I instantly freaked out. I have two children and have never experienced this before in my life. It seemed to stop so I started breathing again and just googled stories on yahoo. Not looking for an answer looking for this happening to people and it being fine. I found some but I also found stories of this being the beginning of the end.
I went to my second job continuing to attempt to slow my roll. The pink came back and I called my mom at work and told her I thought I was miscarrying. She asked if there was anything I wanted to do and I said no. I went to bed that night praying it would stop and I would be fine. When I woke up the next morning the pink was red and I started crying. I went and bought a pregnancy test and took it. It was negative.
The cruel irony is that I took digital tests both times.
June 4, 2011: Pregnant
June 7, 2011: Not Pregnant
It was awful. No time to recoup. I had to just go about my day and have the people I told see me ask me how it's going and have to try and tell them with a straight face. The hardest thing I had to do was call my OB and cancel the appointment I had scheduled. I couldn't even say two words consecutively without three sobs in-between. It was pathetically heart breaking. The scheduling person asked if I wanted to talk to my doctors nurse. I declined. I wasn't ready and clearly didn't need a D&C it was most likely a "chemical pregnancy". The worst part is that I was only pregnant for two days so I felt guilty for being devastated like I was barely even pregnant when I lost the baby so somehow it shouldn't mean as much or something.
I experienced the thing I never wanted to experience. Having to face people and listen to their words of comfort. I will share the two WORST responses I received when opening myself up to be vulnerable and talk about the loss I was experiencing.
1. My friend Kristin, that I call my big sister, that I have known since I was in the third grade. Our conversation went a little like this.
Me: Turns out I am not pregnant anymore, I lost the baby.
Kristin: turns out I am pregnant! Yeah me and Matt are going to have a baby.
I shit you not. That's exactly how it happened. Not even a segway or I quick I'm sorry, she straight up responded to my statement about not being pregnant with a statement about how she is pregnant.
Not at all a coincidence her sister-in-law is my second worst response.
Me: I lost the baby actually.
Crystal: you should check and see with your doctor, you might need a D&C.
I am no longer friends with either of these girls. Not for these instances but it's not hard to imagine with that kind response they are not great friends. My ex best friend, their sister Kelly said the thing that I try and remember when she was talking about what she wants from me if her mom ever dies. Don't try and talk to me or make me feel better, just hold me and cry with me. Maybe break some shit.
Something to think about.
I know the last thing I should talk about on New Years day is the depressing past but moving forward I tend to think of what should be moving forward with us but is stuck in the past. Eldest Baby Shuman.
The thing I have wanted so badly was in my hands, or rather in my uterus. Derrick and I told only a handful of people. It was mostly because we weren't married so we didn't tell the world until we could tell the important people and smooth that over. My Mother was first, she was Overjoyed and it was as simple as that. We were feeling good. We talked about when we should tell Derricks Mom and I was so excited I insisted he call her the same day to tell her.
So he dials her number and makes small talk and then drops "were pregnant" and her response? "oh no." Derricks face continues to drop as he then begins crying. She insisted on coming right over. When I opened the door there she stood eyes puffy and red from crying. We all sat on the couch as she proceeded to tell us that this was not the way and this was "just wrong" and so on. She had the nerve to ask us if we planned is as if she would be angrier if we had. We did plan it but kept it vague and said we weren't not trying.
This was a week after our engagement party. We live in a house Derrick owns, both Arizona State University college graduates (well I was about to graduate in December) we both have stable jobs and insurance and cars we own. He was 25 I was 22. The picture I am painting is one of stability and love no? So I stated just that. Beside the fact that we are adults educated happy stable in love and engaged, I have two children out of wedlock and while it is not ideal I wouldn't trade them for anything. Everything about them is perfect. I told her that my first two pregnancies were not accepted well and it was treated like some sort of misfortunate circumstance instead of a miracle of life. Well not this time. This time I don't care what you feel keep it to yourself and be or I guess at least act happy. You can cry and feel your woes in private.
Maybe that is harsh but I simply don't care. I wanted this baby and she had the nerve to cry about it.
She left a little better and agreed it was not awful. No congratulations but no more tears. So I went about my merry way looking at gap maternity clothes calling my OB to make my first prenatal appointment and telling some of my friends because the excitement was overwhelming. I told my my manager at my summer job and she was surprised I was saying something so soon she was always so afraid something would happen. I kind of looked sideways at her and thought 'well that's you' and shrugged.
The next bit is graffic so be forewarned.
Two days later I was at my first job feeling fab but when I went to the bathroom, there was pink. I instantly freaked out. I have two children and have never experienced this before in my life. It seemed to stop so I started breathing again and just googled stories on yahoo. Not looking for an answer looking for this happening to people and it being fine. I found some but I also found stories of this being the beginning of the end.
I went to my second job continuing to attempt to slow my roll. The pink came back and I called my mom at work and told her I thought I was miscarrying. She asked if there was anything I wanted to do and I said no. I went to bed that night praying it would stop and I would be fine. When I woke up the next morning the pink was red and I started crying. I went and bought a pregnancy test and took it. It was negative.
The cruel irony is that I took digital tests both times.
June 4, 2011: Pregnant
June 7, 2011: Not Pregnant
It was awful. No time to recoup. I had to just go about my day and have the people I told see me ask me how it's going and have to try and tell them with a straight face. The hardest thing I had to do was call my OB and cancel the appointment I had scheduled. I couldn't even say two words consecutively without three sobs in-between. It was pathetically heart breaking. The scheduling person asked if I wanted to talk to my doctors nurse. I declined. I wasn't ready and clearly didn't need a D&C it was most likely a "chemical pregnancy". The worst part is that I was only pregnant for two days so I felt guilty for being devastated like I was barely even pregnant when I lost the baby so somehow it shouldn't mean as much or something.
I experienced the thing I never wanted to experience. Having to face people and listen to their words of comfort. I will share the two WORST responses I received when opening myself up to be vulnerable and talk about the loss I was experiencing.
1. My friend Kristin, that I call my big sister, that I have known since I was in the third grade. Our conversation went a little like this.
Me: Turns out I am not pregnant anymore, I lost the baby.
Kristin: turns out I am pregnant! Yeah me and Matt are going to have a baby.
I shit you not. That's exactly how it happened. Not even a segway or I quick I'm sorry, she straight up responded to my statement about not being pregnant with a statement about how she is pregnant.
Not at all a coincidence her sister-in-law is my second worst response.
Me: I lost the baby actually.
Crystal: you should check and see with your doctor, you might need a D&C.
I am no longer friends with either of these girls. Not for these instances but it's not hard to imagine with that kind response they are not great friends. My ex best friend, their sister Kelly said the thing that I try and remember when she was talking about what she wants from me if her mom ever dies. Don't try and talk to me or make me feel better, just hold me and cry with me. Maybe break some shit.
Something to think about.
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