So tacky New Year's resolution time! This year I want to really focus on increasing my fertility which means lowering my BMI. Someone needs to explain that too me though because does increased body fat just stop ovulation? Because that is not an issue for me. Not that if it's not in issue I am going to go fat crazy.
I know the last thing I should talk about on New Years day is the depressing past but moving forward I tend to think of what should be moving forward with us but is stuck in the past. Eldest Baby Shuman.
The thing I have wanted so badly was in my hands, or rather in my uterus. Derrick and I told only a handful of people. It was mostly because we weren't married so we didn't tell the world until we could tell the important people and smooth that over. My Mother was first, she was Overjoyed and it was as simple as that. We were feeling good. We talked about when we should tell Derricks Mom and I was so excited I insisted he call her the same day to tell her.
So he dials her number and makes small talk and then drops "were pregnant" and her response? "oh no." Derricks face continues to drop as he then begins crying. She insisted on coming right over. When I opened the door there she stood eyes puffy and red from crying. We all sat on the couch as she proceeded to tell us that this was not the way and this was "just wrong" and so on. She had the nerve to ask us if we planned is as if she would be angrier if we had. We did plan it but kept it vague and said we weren't not trying.
This was a week after our engagement party. We live in a house Derrick owns, both Arizona State University college graduates (well I was about to graduate in December) we both have stable jobs and insurance and cars we own. He was 25 I was 22. The picture I am painting is one of stability and love no? So I stated just that. Beside the fact that we are adults educated happy stable in love and engaged, I have two children out of wedlock and while it is not ideal I wouldn't trade them for anything. Everything about them is perfect. I told her that my first two pregnancies were not accepted well and it was treated like some sort of misfortunate circumstance instead of a miracle of life. Well not this time. This time I don't care what you feel keep it to yourself and be or I guess at least act happy. You can cry and feel your woes in private.
Maybe that is harsh but I simply don't care. I wanted this baby and she had the nerve to cry about it.
She left a little better and agreed it was not awful. No congratulations but no more tears. So I went about my merry way looking at gap maternity clothes calling my OB to make my first prenatal appointment and telling some of my friends because the excitement was overwhelming. I told my my manager at my summer job and she was surprised I was saying something so soon she was always so afraid something would happen. I kind of looked sideways at her and thought 'well that's you' and shrugged.
The next bit is graffic so be forewarned.
Two days later I was at my first job feeling fab but when I went to the bathroom, there was pink. I instantly freaked out. I have two children and have never experienced this before in my life. It seemed to stop so I started breathing again and just googled stories on yahoo. Not looking for an answer looking for this happening to people and it being fine. I found some but I also found stories of this being the beginning of the end.
I went to my second job continuing to attempt to slow my roll. The pink came back and I called my mom at work and told her I thought I was miscarrying. She asked if there was anything I wanted to do and I said no. I went to bed that night praying it would stop and I would be fine. When I woke up the next morning the pink was red and I started crying. I went and bought a pregnancy test and took it. It was negative.
The cruel irony is that I took digital tests both times.
June 4, 2011: Pregnant
June 7, 2011: Not Pregnant
It was awful. No time to recoup. I had to just go about my day and have the people I told see me ask me how it's going and have to try and tell them with a straight face. The hardest thing I had to do was call my OB and cancel the appointment I had scheduled. I couldn't even say two words consecutively without three sobs in-between. It was pathetically heart breaking. The scheduling person asked if I wanted to talk to my doctors nurse. I declined. I wasn't ready and clearly didn't need a D&C it was most likely a "chemical pregnancy". The worst part is that I was only pregnant for two days so I felt guilty for being devastated like I was barely even pregnant when I lost the baby so somehow it shouldn't mean as much or something.
I experienced the thing I never wanted to experience. Having to face people and listen to their words of comfort. I will share the two WORST responses I received when opening myself up to be vulnerable and talk about the loss I was experiencing.
1. My friend Kristin, that I call my big sister, that I have known since I was in the third grade. Our conversation went a little like this.
Me: Turns out I am not pregnant anymore, I lost the baby.
Kristin: turns out I am pregnant! Yeah me and Matt are going to have a baby.
I shit you not. That's exactly how it happened. Not even a segway or I quick I'm sorry, she straight up responded to my statement about not being pregnant with a statement about how she is pregnant.
Not at all a coincidence her sister-in-law is my second worst response.
Me: I lost the baby actually.
Crystal: you should check and see with your doctor, you might need a D&C.
I am no longer friends with either of these girls. Not for these instances but it's not hard to imagine with that kind response they are not great friends. My ex best friend, their sister Kelly said the thing that I try and remember when she was talking about what she wants from me if her mom ever dies. Don't try and talk to me or make me feel better, just hold me and cry with me. Maybe break some shit.
Something to think about.
No comments:
Post a Comment